My Personal Collection: November 2008

I Don't know who I am, or who I want to be.

I was watching Nannie Diaries (with Scarlet Johanson, not very good, btw) and it started with her at an interview. She was asked to describe who she was, and she had no idea.

That got me thinking ... what would I say? Who do I think I am? And I have no idea.

I am a married mother of two girls, and that's all I've ever wanted to be, a happily married mother. That's the only thing I ever wanted for myself. I have what I want, and I'm happy, but if asked who I am, I wouldn't know what to say.

My interests are all over the place, I like more than 10 genres of anything/everything, but I'm used to not having money to go out and have a good time. I'm one of those "make the best of it" girls and I just go with the flow.

I don't try to control what is not in my power (like traffic, or stupid/slow people in line at the grocery store) and I'm pretty much happy all the time. Sometimes I get bored, but that's what I have the internet for. I do voice my opinion ... I am a woman, but only on issues I have a voice in.

I'm 25 and I've only had one job that lasted longer than 6 months (a year at a daycare center). I started college, majoring in Early Childhood Education, and I dropped out because that's not what I wanted to do ... there's more to the college story, but I won't go into it now.

I've come to realize I do not like other people's kids! I like little babies, but once they have their own voice and opinions, they bug me ... until they're about 20 (or equivalent maturity). I love my own children of course, and I will have more of my own, but babysitting is not what I look forward to each day.

I smoke weed, I'm not much of a drinker, especially since I was preggo with Olivia, and now that I'm breastfeeding. I love popping my fingers, and absolutely hate it when people tell me it's bad for me ... show me a real document proving popping your fingers leads to arthritis!

I loved going to movies, but it's expensive, and we can't take Olivia yet, so that's a drag! I love watching Heroes and 24 ... we watch online since we can't afford cable, and antennas don't work where I live (in the mountains), not that it matters, we're switching to digital soon.

I'm just lost!

I don't have any friends, besides my husband and my sister, I don't go anywhere (I'll be getting my mom's van soon, but we won't really have the gas for me to do much), I don't do anything ... and I've ALWAYS been like that. I'm used to it!

I don't mind what a homebody I am, but I wish I wanted to do something else once in a while. I mean, I'm glad I don't have to always be doing something fun to enjoy myself because this way, I'm not that disappointed, but I wish I was more lively, more interesting.

I'm afraid I'm really boring and that's why I have no friends. My husband and I have the same interests ... even though I like almost everything, and we're in love, so that's a different story, but I'm worried I might bore him.

My one big fear is that my husband will leave me like my Dad left my Mom. They divorced when I was 9 years old and it still hurts to think about it. To me, that's the second worst thing that could happen to me (first worst is losing my kids in any way).

I'm ranting a little and getting off the subject ... my point is: I don't know who the fuck I am and that bothers me!

How do I change that? How do I get to know me? I know what I like and dislike, but how do I figure out who I am?????????